Hi. My name is Tashina. Welcome to my blog – “Wild Antevasin”. Let me start off with one of my favorite quotes by Alan Watts, ” Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. ” I am a woman, a Surgical Technician, a healer, a wanderer, an em.path, a hiker an adventurer, and an Antevasin.
What is an Antevasin, you ask? There are many translations of this word, but the version I have chose to identify with is, ” One who leaves the comfort of home and family, to live at the border, to seek enlightenment.”
My journey of becoming and defining myself as an Antevasin was not a quick one. It took me almost 30 years to truly see what my destiny was and who I needed to be. Have you ever had a God smack? An Epiphany? Have you ever had that “ah-ha” moment where you received a flash of your future life and purpose? Well, I did, and it took years to sort through all of the fog and fight the fear to actually listen to it, follow it, and embrace it.
When I was in my early 20’s, I had just divorced my husband to be with my childhood love. I was guilt ridden, yet ecstatically happy in my new life. Sound familiar, like a movie known as “The Notebook”? Well, that is an epic saga for another day. Today, the focus is on the “ah-ha” moment of finding my true path in life. Well, one day, with my new boyfriend, cuddling and soaking up the honeymoon phase of our new found love; we watched a movie. We watched ” Into the Wild”. You know, that movie with the boy that decides to leave everything and live out in the wild, in Alaska? While watching the movie, no, not the sad part at the end, but during the movie, through out the whole movie actually; I was bawling. I was crying so passionately that my boyfriend stopped and asked me what was wrong? “Why are you crying so much? Should we stop the movie? “, he asked. I replied, no, and that I liked the movie. I didn’t know why I was crying so hard. I really had no idea why I felt the movie so deeply? It would take me years after that moment to realize why I was crying and why the movie affected me so deeply. At that time, I kept telling myself I was happy. Maybe it was hormones? Maybe I was depressed and imbalanced? Who knows!? I then decided to ignore the screaming energy that was trying so hard to grab me and shake me into awareness.
Years later, and looking back on that moment today, I now know, that, that was my “ah-ha” moment. That was the moment the universe, God, my subconscious, was trying to show me who I was supposed to be and what purpose would bring me fulfillment. The passionate tears, in my opinion, were caused from my soul screaming out that it wasn’t happy. “Why are you denying me what I need!?”, it screamed. “Why are you ignoring who you are!? Why are you keeping those huge curious eyes shut and your heart guarded from the world!?” It screamed and screamed. It took me many years, movies, books, and moments to eventually answer back. “OKAY!!!” I screamed at it. “You win! I will go! I will deny my fear and I will open my eyes to see what I can see, learn what I can learn. I will go where the wind leads me!” I almost felt like the little boy, Bastian, in “NeverEnding story”, screaming out of a window into the night, at no one, at nothingness.
After that, I spent the next few years transforming my life to be mobile. To live at the border, to seek enlightenment. I wanted to learn everything. I wanted to be a sponge and absorb everything around me. I wanted to spread knowledge, love, and light, to anyone who needed it. Since I have answered that call, and chose this new life; I can’t stop smiling. My thirst for travel and adventure is insatiable. I have fallen in love with my life.
So, Hello, nice to meet you. I am Tashina, the wandering and wild Antevasin.
It took me awhile to to decide to write a blog or not. I am not the greatest with technology and computers. I am not even the greatest writer. So, the thought of taking on the task of writing a blog, was daunting. I finally pushed away the fear though, and discovered that like my “ah-ha” moment to become an Antevasin, the call to write was starting to scream just as loud. I wasn’t going to spend years fighting that fight again. So, here I am, writing a blog. It is going to be a rocky road in the beginning. I will be figuring out how to use and maneuver the computer aspect of it all, and refining my writing skills at the same time. So, I only ask that you are patient with me as I learn and I will be open to your critiques, criticisms, and suggestions. After all, that is how we learn and grow at times isn’t it?
If you decide to dive down the crazy rabbit hole of this journey and blog, queue the circus music, and strap in, because it is going to be a wild ride. I wouldn’t be doing this “call” to write any justice if I didn’t write with raw truth, passion, uncensored, and unbridled expression.
I don’t plan to have one theme for this blog. There will be different topics and areas written about randomly. I plan to write about travel and adventure, hiking and nature, grief and depression, love, philosophy, and life. I plan to do spotlight entries on people living, and even those we have lost, that have inspired me or lit up this world in some way. I plan to write an entry called ” The secret life of techs” from time to time. It will be a piece revealing and talking about the crazy life and job of a surgical technician and the life of working in the operating room. There will also be entries written to tell of personal stories of trauma, memories, and adventures, but written in an artistic, fictional angle to protect the identities of those involved.
What is my goal with this blog? Well, maybe nothing? Maybe no one will read it and it will just become an internet diary for myself, an outlet to express and free the stories in my head that have been screaming to get out? Maybe it will inspire others? Maybe I will help to heal, as others stories have healed me. My ultimate goal with this blog is, honestly, to use my life, my experiences, and opinions to further my path to enlightenment and maybe to help guide others on their path as well? We live on this huge planet of breathtaking beauty and are surrounded by amazing people. Sometimes it just takes ourselves a little bit of courage to see it all.
(Again, queue the circus music…) So, if you dare, if you are curious, if you are interested in the crazy ramblings of a wandering and wild woman….I invite and welcome you to the unpredictable ride of ” Wild Antevasin”.
I will leave you with a quote from another favorite and inspiring movie of mine. : “Eat Pray Love” – Elizabeth Gilbert
“If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting ( which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth seeking journey ( either externally or internally) and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared- most of all- to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself… the truth will not be with held from you.”
Sending you all love and light….Until the next entry… sincerely,
Tashina- Wild Antevasin