Heroes Never Die – Part 8 – LIVE (The Conclusion)

“The best thing you can possibly do with your life is to tackle the mother fucking shit out of it.”
Cheryl Strayed

I walked over the branches and brush, led by the moonlight. I made it up to the top and stood there. I drew in a deep breath, taking in the smells of the quarry. Kevin.

I walked some more to get to the tree where Kevin fell. When I made it there, I started talking to him. I’m so sorry I failed you, Kevin. I miss you so much. You were hurting, and I didn’t help you. I didn’t catch you when you needed me to. I can’t be strong anymore. I can’t be my own hero; I need you! I can’t do this without you! I am so tired. I closed my eyes and held onto the large tree branch where he fell. I lifted one foot out over the ledge. I could hear the tiny pebbles and small rocks cascade down the cliff. The sound echoed in the silence of the night. The branch creaked with the new weight I had put on it. I took a breath and closed my eyes. I smiled and said: “I’m coming to you Kevin…I’m coming.”

As I started to lift my other foot to let the wind take me to my peace, my long slumber, something happened that I never thought I would be able to talk about to anyone. Kevin’s face appeared right in front of me as if he was standing there in the flesh. I froze. To this day, I don’t know if it was God, my dead father acting as Kevin, or if it was actually Kevin? Maybe I had a psychotic episode? I may never know? All I can do is describe what I saw. He was right there in front of me. He was angry. I couldn’t breathe. Why was he angry? Was he angry with me? Then his angered face slowly turned into a smirk. His sly eyes and toothy grin appeared. His hand shot through my protective forcefield just as it had that day by the creek when I was a child. I smiled. I reached out to take his hand. He wasn’t angry. He was helping me. He wanted me to come and be with him. Kevin.

I grinned and started to lift my other foot off the cliff again. At that moment, the wildest thing happened! He didn’t take my hand to pull me with him as he did once before, he pushed me! He pushed me hard. I felt a force push me back onto the ground away from the edge. I stumbled and fell onto all fours. I was dazed and confused. What the!? “KEVIN, WHY!!?? I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!! FUCK YOU KEVIN!! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!? I HATE YOU!!! LET ME GO!!! LET ME BE WITH YOU!! I CAN’T TAKE THE PAIN ANYMORE!!”

I screamed into the night. I sobbed and sputtered. I shouted out awful things. I was enraged now. Why wouldn’t he let me die!? I started shouting that I was so sorry and I missed him. I screamed that I wanted to die. I yelled at him for leaving me here alone. As I began to quiet down and tried to pick myself up off the ground, I stopped and looked out at the quarry. His face was fading into the night sky. He was smiling. All I could hear as he faded away was the soft whisper of his voice: “Live Taw-shina….Live.”

I sat there in complete wonderment and confusion. What just happened? I cried for a few hours thinking about what he said. When I finally felt strong enough, I walked down from the cliff of the quarry, leaving my heart and my hero behind me.

Kevin told me to live. I needed to live. I don’t know why and I don’t know how, but I have to keep fighting. I have to fight the pain and live. I will live for you, Kevin. I will be strong. I will be my own hero you asshole.

As I got down from the quarry, I was walking back to my car when I saw my parents drive past. My boyfriend had notified them of my texts. They were so upset. They turned around and picked me up. I didn’t talk. I was silent and stared out the window; all sounds were muffled. I was still holding onto my moment, my moment with Kevin.

When we got back to the house, Eric left me with my parents. They were distraught. They thought they would have to commit me to a psych ward to get me help. I wouldn’t talk to them. I couldn’t talk to them. My mind was racing. I was stuck in a moment.

Then, my little brother walked into the kitchen. He looked at me, and I looked at him. My mouth curled into a smile. Without even speaking he knew. My brother knew I was okay. He looked at my parents and told them I was okay. He saw the tiny flicker in my eyes. He saw fear and excitement. He understood. I didn’t want to die anymore. I wanted to live! I wanted to live life to the fullest! The fear in my eyes was not knowing where to start. I didn’t know what was in store for me; I just knew it had to be epic! Kevin said to live. So, damn you, Kevin, I am going to live. I am going to live so passionately that you will be proud.

After that night, I faced every challenge and obstacle along the way like an angry pit bull. “Let ’em try! Nothing can get me down.” I hear Kevin say in my ear all the time still. “Yeah, Kev. You know it. Let ’em try.” I say back to him smiling.

When I tried to take my own life that night at the quarry, I had discovered that Kevin was still with me. He would always be with me. I wasn’t alone. I feel that he left a part of himself there in the quarry when he died. He let his spirit and essence merge with the water and the trees that horrible day. Kevin spread through the veins of nature bringing him everywhere. He now lives in the wind, the water, and the earth.

When I walk through the forest, I feel him all around me. I feel him with every soft touch of a leaf or brush of a branch. Every time I reach a cliff or a ridge the wind blows his strength into me. I feel him wrap his long arms around me and hold me tight in those strong gusts of wind.  I feel him reminding me to be strong and I feel his love again. Kevin.

Ending thoughts:

I finished writing my Heroes Never Die series after I climbed Mt. Humphreys in AZ. Every agonizing step that I took, I pushed forward, carrying the weight of my heartbreak with me. Once I reached the top, I opened my arms to welcome Kevin’s embrace. Every time I do this, he reminds me to live. It is how I remain whole. It is how I survive this life without him.

The world lost a great man on January 27th, 2008, but the universe gained a magnificent soul. In life he was able to help hundreds; in his death, he can now reach billions. You will never be forgotten, Kevin O’Brien. You can let the sand demon sleep now because now you know that you are loved by many.

So, in conclusion:

Get ready world! Kevin said to live, so I plan to mother fucking live! I hope you all do too.

*To my family and friends:

Thank you for all of your support through this saga. I love you all and can’t wait to see you and hug you one day soon. Thank you for helping me to keep Kevin’s memory alive.

*To my readers:

This story was incredibly hard for me to write. Kevin was my world. Having to survive his death and fight my depression was the hardest fight I may ever fight. There are so many of us who have lost people we love. We all suffer in different ways. My only advice to you from my own experience is to talk about your pain. Do not let it fester. Allow others to help you and to heal you. Be patient with yourself. FORGIVE YOURSELF. The scars of losing someone never heal. They stay with you forever, but the pain does fade. Through time allow that pain to transform you. Allow it to enable you to help others in their journey. We are all more alike than our brains will lead us to believe. We are all in this together. Never hesitate to reach out a hand to someone or a be a shoulder for them to cry on; you never know the pain that they may be fighting. Never judge anyone or yourself for fighting depression or contemplating suicide. It is not something to scoff at or be ashamed of; it is a battle that millions of people fight. You are not alone.

Find something healthy that brings you peace and helps you to feel alive. Choose to live for those who you have lost. Allow them to fill you with a strength to experience all the moments they will miss. Live those moments for them. They want you to. They need you to. Wake up every day saying to yourself: 

“Heroes are for the weak, I’m going to be my own hero today.”

Because of you Kevin…Today I am my own hero. I love you, I miss you, and I am still living everyday…for you.

Sending you all love and light,

Wild Antevasin

 

Rise above this- by Seether

Take the light, and darken everything around me
Call the clowns, and listen closely, I’m lost without you

Call your name everyday, when I feel so helpless
I’ve fallen down, but I’ll rise above this (rise above this)

Hate your mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know this void will grow
And everything’s in vain, distressing you, don’t leave me open
Feels so right but I’ll end this all before it gets me

Call your name everyday, when I feel so helpless
I’ve fallen down (fallen down) but I’ll rise above this (rise above this)

Call your name everyday when I seem so helpless
I’ve fallen down (fallen down) but I’ll rise above this (rise above this)

I’ll mend myself before it gets me
I’ll mend myself before it gets me
I’ll mend

 

Author: wildantevasin

I am a woman, a traveler, an adventurer. I am an Antevasin. I work in the operating room as a surgical technician. My job allows me to travel the country and take time in between jobs to travel the world. My life has been quite the roller coaster thus far, but I have had many incredible people help me along the way to grow stronger, to become who I am now. I live everyday in gratitude for them and try to pay it forward to others. I hope to use my blog to inspire, inform, and help all those that I can in any way. I also hope to have a wild adventure loaded with fun along the way as well, then share those adventures and tips with all of my readers. So, if you dare, if you are curious, if you are interested in the crazy ramblings of a wandering and wild woman….I invite and welcome you to the unpredictable ride of ” Wild Antevasin”.

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